Four Ways to Better Connect to Others (+ a Bonus)
Four Ways to Better Connect to Others (+ a Bonus)
Sometimes we know exactly what’s going on in someone’s head. We know their reaction. We know their mannerisms of how they’ll respond.
—But more often than not, we don’t know. Or, more accurately, what’s going on for them is more nuanced than we’d dare to realize. It’s a good thing. In the collective consciousness, we’re able to connect to ourselves on a deeper level.
When I help a client identify emotions given a stressful situation, they may experience half a dozen (seemingly conflicting) emotions and narratives. Further, what they initially believed they felt was merely protecting what they truly felt. When you see a skilled actor showing their emotions with a complex situation, you may see a mix of tearful-anger or hurt-chuckling.
When it comes to connecting to another person’s experience, what’s tricky is even if you were to correctly identify another person’s emotion, unless you feel into ALL the pieces, a person may not feel safe. Why is this?
All our parts hold truth. All hold worth. All hold special knowledge.
Initially, connecting to others may feel like an impossible task. Rest assured, you’re not expected to be everyone’s personal therapist or emotional Sherlock Holmes. You’re not God. This may however be an opportunity to activate new emotional muscles.
Everyone has a different style of interacting with others. Most people would love to connect more deeply, but few people realize their style, especially if it’s not as effective as they believe.
Here are some common disconnects: 1) asking questions that superimpose values on another; 2) asking closed-ended questions that box a person in (these questions can be answered by a one-word response); 3) asking questions in the form of statements; 4) stopping the flow of conversation by changing subjects or talking about oneself; 5) asking great questions but placing all the vulnerability on the other.
Keeping this in mind, here’s a few ways to keep a better conversation flow:
Consider using a beginner’s mind. Often the questions we ask superimpose our feelings and value set on another. A subtle shift in how you ask a question makes a difference.
Instead of asking your kid what they learned at school, what if “learning” was your value set and not theirs? What if you asked what was something interesting that happened to them today? Your kid may mention something funny that happened as they walked home.
Consider open-ended questions. If an answer can have a one-word response, shift the question to be more open-ended.
If you haven’t seen someone in a while, instead of asking, “Did you do anything exciting this weekend?” what if you asked, “What have you been working on to better yourself lately?”
Consider peeling back a layer or three.
You can almost always ask someone to expand on whatever it is they’re talking about. Often if you just nudge someone into talking more, they’ll share GOLD. You could say, “Tell me more about ______.” “How do you feel about ________?”
Consider more vulnerability.
If you want to have a deeper connection but it’s flat, consider opening up about yourself first (and not expecting another to coddle you). Most people never saw a healthy model of vulnerability. They may have experienced vulnerability to be met with hostility, manipulation, or disconnect. You could lead with a simple, “When I was in a season of unemployment, I felt pretty worthless and wasn’t sure what to do for while. What’s your experience been like so far?”
Next level bonus points. Maybe you’ve mastered the first five suggestions. This next one is going to be tuning your consciousness into the heightened present.
Their body. Notice what comes up in someone’s body without judgment. The sigh; the shoulder shrug; the laugh; the vocal vibrato. Ask them about it with playful curiosity. “I noticed you stopped smiling as you mentioned this person. How come?”
Your body. Notice what comes up in your body without judgment and comment on it. “When you shared, something came up in my body that wants me to ask you about ______, and I’m also kind of afraid to do so. Is it okay if we talk about ______?”
The present space. Perhaps it’s a communal feeling to be made overt. “Did we just have our first fight?” “Awkward silence with you doesn’t feel so awkward.” “I want to keep conversing, but something keeps distracting me. Have I told you how sexy your hair is today?”
Keep in mind, when trying something new, trial and error is important as you try to connect with someone. What works for one person may not work for someone else.