Three Levels of a Healthy Relationship | San Diego Therapy

You used to just be a teacher, coach, boss, mom or dad. But now? In every role you’re a part-time therapist, mentor, empathy-giver, boundary enforcer, etc.

Roles are expanding. The self is expanding.

Relationships aren’t neceessarily asking more from us. Life is. And because of that, we often rely more on relationships than that relationship can hold. With that, unless you’re adapting to the times, you may also notice relationships are falling apart faster than ever.

Here’s what to do about it: the healthiest relationships move through three levels. You’ve got to fully immerse in the prior stage to get to the next stage of health.

Level 1 - Focus is Me / Tacit Competition - if you try to progress beyond the first level without knowing what you want and need, things fall apart. However, this type of relationship looks like you’re competing with your partner for your needs to be met. This is an, ‘I do this for you, and you do this for me,’ type of relationship—both want to extract the most value out of the exchange.

“What can I get from you?'“
“How will my needs get met?”
“How can you give me more of my love language(s)?”

Level 2 - Focus is Us / Equality Attempt - here both partners try to be fair and do the right thing, forming a 50/50 partnership. They assess each person’s wounds and create safe and healthy communication, working on their triggers. Both work on themselves individually to be the best person they can be. However, in the attempt to create so much validation and respect, the relationship can become mechanical, losing its spark and polarity.

“Why don’t you see how much I do for you?”
“Let’s use respectful communication and resolve this.”
“Please don’t get angry or curse, that isn’t helpful.”

Level 3 - Focus is Love / - partners come together and align energy and actions—they take into account what each person wants and needs individually, but asks what is best for the relationship. What is most loving for the relationship often produces a different quality of energy and result than the first two levels.

“How can I consciously create environments and energy for us to experience the most love?”
“How can I expand my own individual gifts and essnce that also expands my partner’s gifts and essence?”
“Even if uncomfortable, how can I feel and facilitate my own vulnerability…my partner’s vulnerability…our relationships’s vulnerability?”
“How can I authentically experience the most love in the relationship?”

As we are growing in our definition of our relationship of what it means to be, “me,” we’re also exploring what it means to be in relationship to others. We balance what seems normal—our version of traditional—with what seems new, exciting, or even weird.

There’s a reason why most level one or level two relationships, even when executed well, feel as if they’re missing something. When a relationship feels like it’s missing something, people further lean into the questions they’ve always asked. Hopelessness is felt and blame is placed. They wonder why their needs aren’t getting met or why they’re not recognized for their efforts. But really, they may be ready for a new level of relationship.

Whether you’re in a relationship or hoping to be in one, go ahead and find new questions to ask yourself. Ask what love needs. From there, you’ll know what to work on and work on building the loving energy to create your most successful relationship.

If you’re interested in working on bettering your relationship with yourself or another, I offer in-person therapy in San Diego and Telehealth therapy all across California. Feel free to reach out.

Three Levels of a Healthy Relationship | San Diego Therapy