Navigating the Avoidant Attachment Epidemic

Avoidant attachment is becoming an epidemic.

You may have already heard of the four attachment styles:

Secure attachment - low anxiety, low avoidance. There’s trust, comfort with intimacy, and the ability to communicate needs and openly receive a partner’s communication without becoming combative or dismissive.
Anxious attachment - high anxiety, low avoidance. A constant need for external validation and assurance. Even when things are quite and “normal,” there’s a fear of either rejection or abandonment. Drama may be created to find closeness again.
Avoidant attachment - low anxiety, high avoidance (hence the name). Hyper independence and self-reliance, downplaying the needs of self and partner. When intimacy or conflict increases, emotional and physical distance also increases.
Disorganized attachment - high anxiety, high avoidance. It’s a see-saw of anxious and avoidant. When intimacy increases, disconnection follows; when intimacy decreases, a desperation for connection ensues.

Your relationships always follow your attachment style; therefore knowing your tendencies is paramount for healthy living. Knowing your tendencies is like having a clear windshield. Without it, you’re almost blindly guessing as to what’s happening outside you.

A person may think everyone they date after a few months become, “too clingy,” “obsessive,” “possessive,” or “controlling,” without knowing they have avoidant attachment tendencies. The reality is that others may be acting in health, congruent with the new stages of an intimate relationship but genuine intimacy feels uncomfortable.

British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, founded attachment theory through researching relational patterns with children from birth-to-age-two and their primary caretakers. Specifically for adults who have avoidant attachment, as children their needs were often unmet. They learned to self-soothe and not trust that others would be there to support them. Any perceived slight becomes hard evidence that someone else won’t be there to support, love, care, and nurture.

And while Bowlby’s findings with attachment are true, this doesn’t fully explain what’s presently happening in society. Sure, there’s a bunch of research with people getting married later (or not at all), having fewer children (or no children), and having more casual sex (or none at all)—but you can just do an eye test with how people are becoming more independent.

Here are some influential factors of the avoidant epidemic:

cultural hyper-independence: it’s seen as weak and unattractive to not have your life together before entering a committed relationship.
social media/texting/dating apps: we’ve socially learned people can be compartmentalized and conversations exited at any moment for no reason at all.
protection: instead of relying on the relational unit to build, people operate from a standpoint of “what if it falls apart.”
“self-love” movement: while it’s healthy to genuinely love yourself, people are now limiting their vulnerability and any fear of rejection.
inability to regulate emotions: technological advances have limited our ability to sit with discomfort for more than a few seconds.
perception of options: whether on a first date or in a committed marriage, there’s now the idea of an escape hatch or backup plan—realistic or not.
unlimited access to dopamine: instead of relying on another person to fulfill needs, people have a greater dependence toward a device.

Overall, people are becoming experts in avoiding what’s plaguing them. They’re becoming more disconnected to themselves and others. What can you do about this? First, it helps to know which avoidant attachment tendencies arise. There’s two types of avoidant attachment—and this is not to be confused with any personality disorder; people with personality disorders (i.e. narcissism or borderline) have an impossibility with securely attaching, just because someone has difficulty attaching doesn’t mean they have a personality disorder.

Two avoidant attachment types:

Fearful avoidant: negative view of self, negative view of others. Often starts strong in relationships, often over-giving and love bombing, then begins to pull away as relationship becomes real and commitment is on the table. The fear is that over time they will become hurt and it’d be too much to bear. There’s a flicker back-and-forth with breakups, often disappearing without any word—life is too busy or stressful for the relationship—this creates chaos and confusion.
Dismissive avoidant: positive view of self, negative view of others. This is a more classic view of avoidant, consistently creating distance. When it seems independence is in jeopardy, reasons for leaving incur. Feelings are detached, intellectualized, logical, and clean.

If you notice this pattern coming up in you, what can you do?

Name the fear: do you fear rejection? Abandonment? Failure?
Put your phone away for longer: get out of your head, interact with others and nature.
Stay with discomfort a little longer: be it five seconds or a minute, stay with what you feel.
Rely on people: share a feeling, share an experience. Put yourself out there.
Find trusted people: connect with people who validate your experience, who are safe.
Share when necessary: ask loving people to be kind and gracious as you’re navigating healing avoidant tendencies.

If you notice avoidant tendencies coming up with a friend or romantic partner, it gets a little more complicated. Know that you are not responsible for their growth.

Depending on the safety and trust of the relationship—and how much you think they are committed towards healthy change—it may be appropriate to let them know the tendencies you see. Sometimes a person needs someone on the outside to point out what’s happening inside in a non-judgmental way. And sometimes there just needs to be truth. Putting truth out there can be helpful for both parties—as opposed to continually banging your head against a wall, asking someone to provide needs than won’t be met or for promises to continually get broken.

Whether you’re hoping to heal avoidant tendencies within yourself or your relationships, know it takes time. You’re literally rewiring the circuits in your brain and body, towards trusting and loving when it feels completely unsafe and vulnerable. Sometimes that feels like you’re handing over a loaded pistol, asking the person not to shoot.

If you’d like any help navigating your relationship with avoidant attachment or your partner’s, feel free to reach out. I offer telehealth and in-person individual and couples therapy in San Diego and North County San Diego.

This was 100% written by Dan, no-AI—all ideas and spelling errors are his.