Your Terracotta Moment | San Diego Therapy

Have you ever repotted a plant?
It’s an odd little ritual.

Sometimes the roots slip right out—clean, easy, cooperative.
But other times, the plant’s withered fingers grasp the pot’s interior for dear life. You must pre-water the soil, pry gently along the edges, coaxing it loose. Eventually, you cup the plant’s wispy buttocks and lift—presenting it to the world like a baby Simba. (At least, that’s how I do it.)

The contrast is apparent.
Above soil: vibrant greenery, stretching toward the light.
Below: a web of roots, tangled and clumped dusty computer cables.
The plant looks alive and wants to expand, but there’s literally no room for growth. It’s been stuck—unable to grow—perhaps for a long time.

Navigating Healthy Relationships in Modern Times | San Diego Couples Therapist

People commonly date a partner based on preferences. A range of height and build. A shared love of sushi, acoustic playlists, or Sunday farmer’s markets. Preferences create comfort.

Go one layer deeper and we meet values—religion, work ethic, health, wellness. Shared values create stability.

In the past, comfort + stability was enough.
But not anymore.

Relational Polarity is Relational Intimacy | San Diego Couples Therapy

We live from our set of values. Like grooves on a record, after enough spins, we struggle to imagine how anyone could live by another song—another code.

In relationships, both people are playing their own record. This difference in rhythm can either heal us or break us.

We often think, if only my partner understood how I operate, we’d get along better.

But it’s precisely this polarity that fuels intimacy.

Directed Energy: Part I | San Diego Therapy

Everyone wants better life situations.

In our bones we feel the tension from where we are to where we want to be.

In the space from where we are to where we want to be, there’s one piece missing containing two ingredients: directed energy. Without increasing your directed energy, your life can’t change its trajectory.

Directed energy is like a car. Energy is the motor, direction is the steering wheel. You can still drive if you have a partially working motor or steering wheel—but if you want to get to your desired destination, both must be fully operational.

Speak as the Person You’re Becoming | San Diego Therapy

The way we speak about ourselves quietly shapes the way we live.

We toss off phrases like, “I’ve got anxiety,” “I’ll never be able to afford a house,” or “I’m not a morning person,” without a second thought. They might feel honest, even factual. But are they aligned with the future we’re trying to create?

Language is more than expression—it’s direction. We tend to live into the truths we repeat most often, especially when they begin with “I.” The stories we speak become the filters through which we see ourselves, our choices, and our possibilities.

Even a gentle reframe can open a new emotional window.

What Future Will You Choose to Rehearse? | San Diego Therapy

In lower consciousness, you react.
In moderate consciousness, you respond.
In higher consciousness, you rehearse.

To flow in the highest stage of consciousness, I’ll share a secret from Michael Phelps, winner of an unprecedented twenty-three Olympic gold medals. When I heard the aftermath of a particular race at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Summer Games, I was mesmerized.

Breathe in Slower | San Diego Therapy

I’m curious, is it important for you to live with integrity to yourself?

And if so, what does it mean to live a life—no, rather, moment-to-moment—with integrity to yourself?

I’m curious, who would you be if that obstacle wasn’t in the way? who would you be if you were nurtured in the way you needed to be?

And if so, who’s to say you can’t be that version of yourself, now?

Be in Courage | Therapy in San Diego

Courage can’t exist without the presence of fear; therefore choosing courage is vital to your soul’s well-being. In choosing courage, you confront the fears preventing you from your fullest expression of aliveness. Without facing fear, you’re not only subject to experiencing a life of “what if’s” and likely, regrets, but life also becomes defensive. Instead of choosing what you truly want, you’re unconsciously choosing what may feel like it hurts the least. While that may work for you right now, long term it creates more pain. Here’s an additional bit of wisdom: if you don’t actively take steps of courage, if you merely maintain the status quo, your soul entropically collapses.

What Your Relationship Probably Looks Like

In a relationship have you ever found yourself getting into the same cycle over and over? Okay, you’re not blind.

One person gets frustrated, the other gets silent. One person feels unheard and unloved, the other person feels they can never do enough to please the other. One person reaches out, the other pulls away. One person yells, the other yells louder. Time and space comes in between, perhaps even an apology. And at some point, one person tests to see if it’s safe. Then there’s some form of emotional reconnection, even if it’s a small one.

Over time, your cycle are happen so automatically that you don’t even realize they’re happening. That’s called being in a stuck state. You know what’s interesting? Did you know your relational cycle isn’t unique? Almost every couple goes through the same patterns.

couples therapy, eftDan LoneyAugust 28, 2021eft

2021: Jumpstart Your Relationships

If you want to jumpstart all your relationships in 2021, tune in.

In “The Whole Brain Child,” Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and author, explains a key concept of how to communicate to children called, “Connect, then Redirect.” The thing is, connecting and redirecting is not just for relationships with children—it’s for everyone.

I’ll explain.

attachment, couples therapyDan LoneyJanuary 19, 2021daniel siegel, connect redirect, attachment

Double Your Emotional Intelligence

Take a look at this blog on how to double your emotional intelligence.

We’re going to get into primary emotions versus secondary emotions, and why it’s vital—for yourself and your loved ones—to tune in to what’s happening beneath the surface.

Take the Confusion Out of Relationships | Couples Therapy San Diego

We are living in an age of poor values, capricious words, and large egos. People aren’t as sure as to what they stand for, therefore, there’s no wonder there’s an incongruence between words and actions. With a lack of character, you know how people are defining themselves?

INTENTIONS.

Most of the time, these intentions are good as well. However, how many times have you become harmed by someone’s “good” intentions?

So what do you do? In a crazy age, how do you take the confusion out of relationships? It’s actually pretty simple: just look at actions.

Social Media and Relationships | Couples Therapy San Diego

In this blog, I’m going to give you some perspective on how social media is subtly changing us individually and relationally, as well as a few healthy steps we can take in these changing times.

First, for some perspective.

Did you know that with each notification ping, flash, and buzz, the feel-good chemical of dopamine is released in your brain? Dopamine is a reward signaling that we’ve accomplished something. It helps us relax. It’s why social media is addictive; we are not accomplishing anything and receiving the good effects of it. This isn’t by accident—each part of social media has been programmed to make you stick around.

Dating: Values vs. Preferences | Couples Therapy San Diego

Dating has gotten complex to say the least. And while there’s never a simple solution to complex issues, I’ll propose a starting place: I’d like to clarify Values vs. Preferences. Especially in Western society, it’s culturally validated to treat dates, relationships, and marriages according to desired preferences as opposed to inherent values.

Value (n): the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
Preference (n): a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries - Part II (Identity) | San Diego Therapy

Boundaries and identity complement one another. Better knowing yourself allows you to set healthily boundaries; setting healthier boundaries allows you to know your true self.

· Decreased stress and insecurity

· Increased energy and confidence

How to Set Healthy Boundaries – Part 1 (Awareness) | Therapy in San Diego

When asking a couple what they want to achieve in therapy, you know what the #1 answer is? Communication. It’s often said, “This person never communicates to me.” But here’s the thing. We’re always communicating. Always.

The text you don’t send; the eye contact you’ve chosen to avoid; the time you choose to not express your thoughts. That’s all a message that you’re communicating to someone else.

3 Steps To Building Your Identity | Therapy in San Diego

In my previous blog, I said that it’s vital that you have a vision of your true identity. And while I’d never shoot down your lunar dreams, I also want to do a caution with identity. It’s completely human to set unrealistic goals for yourself. So as you begin to hone in on experiencing your authentic identity, I want to give you tips. You’ve got to keep things, 1) small, 2) consistent, and 3) sustainable.

These words are not sexy.

I get it.

Dan’s Blog