Navigating the Avoidant Attachment Epidemic

Avoidant attachment is becoming an epidemic.

You may have already heard of the four attachment styles:

Secure attachment - low anxiety, low avoidance. There’s trust, comfort with intimacy, and the ability to communicate needs and openly receive a partner’s communication without becoming combative or dismissive.
Anxious attachment - high anxiety, low avoidance. A constant need for external validation and assurance. Even when things are quite and “normal,” there’s a fear of either rejection or abandonment. Drama may be created to find closeness again.
Avoidant attachment - low anxiety, high avoidance (hence the name).

Your Terracotta Moment | San Diego Therapy

Have you ever repotted a plant?
It’s an odd little ritual.

Sometimes the roots slip right out—clean, easy, cooperative.
But other times, the plant’s withered fingers grasp the pot’s interior for dear life. You must pre-water the soil, pry gently along the edges, coaxing it loose. Eventually, you cup the plant’s wispy buttocks and lift—presenting it to the world like a baby Simba. (At least, that’s how I do it.)

The contrast is apparent.
Above soil: vibrant greenery, stretching toward the light.
Below: a web of roots, tangled and clumped dusty computer cables.
The plant looks alive and wants to expand, but there’s literally no room for growth. It’s been stuck—unable to grow—perhaps for a long time.

The Problem with Overcoming Adversity

In childhood, have you successfully overcome adversity? Meaning, when it came to sink or swim, you learned to swim? Or more often, out of a survival imperative, you didn’t even think about it…you just acted.

At some point in life, we all have faced circumstances we weren’t yet emotionally and physically developed for. We experienced abandonment. We experienced grief. We experienced trauma. But for many of us, without the help of a parent, we also figured out how to deal with it. Naturally, these moments we’ve built the pre-pubescent emotional muscles to overcome our adversity feels like our superpower.

anxiety, trauma, schema, schema therapyDan LoneyApril 11, 2021superpower, adversity, trauma

How to Set Healthy Boundaries – Part 1 (Awareness) | Therapy in San Diego

When asking a couple what they want to achieve in therapy, you know what the #1 answer is? Communication. It’s often said, “This person never communicates to me.” But here’s the thing. We’re always communicating. Always.

The text you don’t send; the eye contact you’ve chosen to avoid; the time you choose to not express your thoughts. That’s all a message that you’re communicating to someone else.

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